Positive Word Challenge Day 2--Gall Bladder/GI issues

So to add to the continuous onset of disease after disease I have developed over the last two months some GastroIntestinal issues. I suspect gall bladder because most of the women on my Mom's side of the family (including my Mom) have had their gall bladder removed. Essentially I have almost no appetite because whenever I eat I get nauseous and have severe diarrhea about 2 hours later.

I have been looking for a new PCP for awhile, but kept post-poning because I would forget at work to call for an appointment. I found a new clinic that has all of the amenities I like plus a walk-in clinic. So, yesterday I called in sick (I was SO tired from waking up every hour and restless sleep) and went to the clinic for an appointment.

I saw a doctor who FINALLY listened to my concerns and instead of giving me all of the reasons to decline further tests/treatments, he said "I think these are the tests you need to have, what do you want to do?"  My other doctors seemed to minimize my pain and made me think they had the opinion I was a hypochondriac.

As soon as I can I want to transfer care over to the new doctor. Let's call him Dr. Empathy. I just need to call my insurance and find out what if anything needs to be done.

I will keep you posted. I expect to hear from Dr. Empathy in about 1-2 days (most likely 2). There's a chance it could be gall bladder. If that is the case, most likely I'll need surgery, which I'm sure will delay my TTC some more. Maybe Cheri22's prediction will come true. In that case I might not get pregnant until June 2011! Ah well.

1st Positive Word Challenge Post--AF arrived

Of course the day I post my positive word challenge I forget to post. For three days. Ah well. This is why each of the next 30 posts will start with the above title. "Nth Positive Word Challenge Post" until we reach 30th.

So, Thursday morning, around 1AM....still awake watching a movie with SIL and her husband.  Cramps began really strong. I had been spotting for 5 or more days. This time go to the bathroom and FULL flow.  My cramps were so bad I was nauseous and after the movie was over I broke down in tears.

DH was sooo sweet. I asked for a heating pad, but SIL was without one. So he offered to "massage" until the pain was gone. I was a bit skeptical, but his hands were as warm as a heating pad! That felt a little better.

The strange thing is that when I have the 5 days of spotting before full flow, my actual period flow looks like this: Heavy --> Light --> Light --> Spotting.  Sometimes there is a Medium instead of the Light . But this was how my flow went this time. I actually thought I was on a spotting day today but went to pee and lots on the TP. So to be safe I put in a pad.

Well, enough yucky period talk. I had such positive pregnancy symptoms this cycle it caused me to hope against hope despite my BD schedule lacking. I had these Extra-Sensitive (10 mIU) HPTs that I was using. I kept getting one line each day. I had more success with SMU as you will see in this 11 DPO pic and invert:





I am pretty sure they're evaps. But they give hope, and it's horrible. This was my concern with the 10 mIU tests, that they would lead to more evaps. I kept telling myself to accept a DEFINITE line as a positive and to ignore the evaps. I am out of tests because I started POAS at 7DPO. That is insanely early!!

I have ONE FRER, but I can hold out on that one until just before my period. So, my goal is to avoid buying any HPTs until O is confirmed (at 3DPO or so). Early-pregnancy-tests.com has a very quick delivery, so if I order around 5-6 DPO, then the tests will arrive around 10-12 DPO.

The hard part is this: I am a POAS-aholic (Peeing-on-a-Stick). I worry that my need to POAS will be so great that I will run out and buy any test I can get my hands on (even evil blue-dye!). I am hopeful that not having any peesticks in the house will keep me from this.

Hopefully.

30 day Positive Thinking Challenge!!

So, I've pretty much created this challenge for myself. I am a mental health therapist, and day in and day out I work with people that have severely negative self-images. The worst part is they don't realize it and they believe the negative opinions they have of themselves are truly who they are. This makes it nearly impossible for them to effect the change they wish because they are rooted in the belief that they can achieve nothing, are worthless and no one loves them.

So, I started noticing that I have a lot of negative self-talk myself. In discussion with a co-worker on sending out subconscious thoughts he postulated that our subconscious is only attuned to positive words and phrases and if we send out a negatively phrased desire "No pager calls" then our subconscious drops the No and delivers what we don't want "Pager calls".

So, For the next 30 days I will attempt to post some sort of status update daily, even if I have nothing of substance to post. Although there are many ways to hedge phrases and words that have negative values, to make this simple, I am avoiding the use of words that specify the negative and here's a list for you.

***ADDED THREE NEW WORDS BEFORE n't***

• No
• Not
• Never
• None
• Nothing
• Nowhere
• Neither
• Nobody
• No one
• Hardly
• Scarcely
• Barely
• Should
• Always
• Usually
• Only
• n't (don't, won't, couldn't, etc)

So, from now on, instead of saying "I don't want to go to the movies" I will say instead "I want to stay home" "I want to go to a friend's house" etc. This may even help me challenge my indecisiveness as to state something in the positive such as in the example I must have a firm idea of what I want. It's so easy to decline something because then you are not required to offer an alternative.

So, dear readers, please keep me accountable. If you see me post a negative word listed above, shout it out in the comments!!! The first to catch me at it will receive a Babydust temporary tattoo! Hee hee.  And the challenge will begin with my next post.

Mac is back!!!! and other TTC related stuff.

Hip, hip, hooray! I have my Macbook Pro back and the screen is be-yoo-tee-ful!! I can hardly stop looking at it...it's so clear. And readable. And I can see EVERYTHING!!!!!! Yippeee!!!

Ok, so now that this is done, update on my cycle. BFN, BFN, BFN. This is why you don't start testing before 9 DPO Melissa!!!! Even super sensitive 10 mIU brand is failing me. And POASing is so addicting, it is almost as if every BFN increases the desire to test again. One day I test THREE times that day! It's madness! I had nothing to go on either. Just silly suspicion.

Here is the thing. A few days ago I was getting SO tired. Without any obvious reason. Such as lack of sleep, or staying up til 4AM. Nothing that should have affected me that greatly. So from about 6-9DPO I would get so tired every evening. Especially when I worked, but even over last weekend. Things were tasting funny (I had a lemon bar that tasted "chemically" even though it was the same recipe my friend had also used).

Now I am much more energetic and combined with my lack of BFP it is making me feel more defeated. Although lately anything with tomato sauce tastes REALLY acidic (more than usual).

Oh, and I can't recall if I updated on my ECHO. My doctor left a message last Friday (2 Fridays after the 2nd ECHO) saying first that there had been no change since the last one, see you in a year. Then he obviously reviewed my notes and called back explaining why the second ECHO had been done and that because there had been no decrease in function this was good, but we still need to address the current lower functioning.

I panicked because he was very vague saying we needed to address it in the next few MONTHS. He called Monday and I got a chance to discuss it with him. He explained it was something about the pressure the ventricle made on the left side that was too low.  Every year I go to these appointments and they're fine, but ultimately they're looking for changes to see if I need surgery to repair or replace my valve. I was fearful that he was going to tell me this was happening.

I was so relieved that he said this is something that could be fixed with medication. I need to set up an appointment with him in January and we'll discuss what meds are needed and what will be safe for pregnancy.

I guess we'll see!

Things that make you go hmmmm...

So. Sorry faithful readers for my lack of posting. My Mac is in the shop FINALLY getting its screen fixed so I haven't have had much opportunity to update. Well, I'm definitely in the TWW. I'm about 8 DPO and since maybe Fri (5DPO) I've been getting increasingly fatigued. Since yesterday especially I've been so tired by afternoon I'm yawning all of the time. Since I have these 10 mIU HPTs I have bought at www.early-pregnancy-tests.com I am testing everyday from now until either BFP or AF I guess.

So far BFNs, but if my suspicions are right, I thought it would be nice to test and see just how much earlier these might show a BFP. God-willing that is what this is. If not I'll have to see the doctor for sure if this tiredness doesn't go away.

O date changed

Well, since my "false O" my temps have been around my pre-O temps. I had an OPK on CD15 that was so close to being positive, but I was unable to test the next three days so I'm not sure if I O'd or not. My temps have jumped a little but dropped again today. But since Thursday my nips have been painful to the touch, in addition to sore sides. And today the nips hurt even w/o touching them. Which leads me to think I have already O'd.

My Clearblue Easy Monitor is no help at all. It keeps reporting low. But, if I enter raised temps for the next three days it says today is O day. Which would match my CP and CM...I think I'm going to jump DH tonight and quit waiting!

Early O....or not?

So this morning I awaken to a freezing bedroom and of course my temp drops way below coverline. Meaning my dubious CH were taken away. HOWEVER, I remembered today that I have a classic fallback rise that usually occurs around 4DPO. To illustrate, I created an overlay of my 3 previous charts pinned at their respective O date. I also pinned this cycle at it's potential O date.



Voila! As you can see here, if this cycle is pinned at potential O date of CD 9 then today's lowered temp is simply my regular fallback rise...most likely.  I did testing in FF...if my temps go back above the "coverline" of 98.1 F then most likely my CH will return with O date back on CD9.

Got to go to work, and then my ECHO today. I'll update if I can, but I don't expect to talk with my doc until maybe tomorrow.

This time REALLY early O! (WTH!)

So, if you saw my last post it commented on some strangely high pre-O temps and the possibility of having O'd (already!). Well, today's temp after genuine 7 hours sleep, no waking before temping was at 98.3. Apparently this was high enough for FF to select O at CD9. CD9!!!!!! That's a full 10 days before I expected to usually O and at least 4 days before my last O.

I guess it doesn't really make a difference. I should be glad I'm ovulating, y'know? I guess my problem is that I want to know "Why?". I think I sought to start charting for control of my cycles. Now I realize that was a myth. Charting is useful, but it still can't help me change when and how I ovulate. I can look at patterns and take some vitamins that may address a certain deficiency, but real change isn't possible. It's take what you get and hope you can read the signs well enough for your goal.

I have to say this is especially frustrating as I am trying to avoid (barely) until after my ECHO, possibly until January.  I'm not so practiced at preventing. I thought I was okay because I never thought I'd have O on CD9!!

But, although we did BD on CD5 I think the state of my CM around then was too pitiful to allow the sperm to survive 4 days to wait for the egg. I know it can happen, but I don't have confidence that it will. Plus I haven't had my ECHO yet (tomorrow!) so I only hope that the results aren't bad...for various reasons, but also because I'd like to start trying again.

I guess we shall see....

Strange chart

So, I'm trying SO hard to stay off of the computer. I at least have to get on to update my charts at Fertility Friend and Countdown to Pregnancy.

I have noticed this cycle more than last my pre-O temps are super high. Other than one or three that are in regular pre-O range the rest are 98.0 and above. The last 2 temps I had to temp adjust because my urge to pee in the morning has been so strong. I don't really think I have changed much my drinking habits at night.

Also, I've had a super high sense of smell the last two days. It is something I usually get around O, but I haven't had other classic O symptoms. I have been trying to assess my CM, but it seems at most Creamy---one day it seemed watery, but I downgraded it. Also, the most fertile my CP got was MM-. Still not quite there.

Yet, I did a little advance experimentation with FF. I entered two more temps at about the same temp I am now (98.2) and FF gave me dotted CH on CD9! That would be a SUPER early O, plus I would have one day of unprotected intercourse around 4 days before O. Not great odds, but possible. I don't really think that I O'd then, but I have to wonder.

The last recorded OPKs were around CD4 and CD5 (BD on CD5). Those so far were the closest to positive as I had a medium darkish line, but still nowhere near positive. The last two days my OPKs have been completely and utterly BFN---there was no line whatsoever. Also, I've learned to slightly interpret my CBEFM sticks and those were really negative. The estrogen is super high and the LH is almost non-existent. Going by that, I'd say I haven't O'd at all, and could be another week or so away from it.

Time will tell. If I JUST look at my PMS symptoms (sore side bb, backache, higher sense of smell, etc) I would say I have just O'd. But NONE of my other fertility signs (except possibly BBT?) agree with it.

Sometimes I really hate charting. 

Taking a small break....

This is just to let my few faithful readers know that my wrist overuse is flaring up, in part because of my lack of keeping up with exercises and largely because I am addicted to being on the computer.

So, I know the best thing now is for me to get off until they stop hurting all the time....because they are now even off of the computer. Gonna buckle down, do some exercises, etc.

I'll definitely try to make some big updates, I expect at least not until Nov 8th when I get my ECHO and after I talk with my doc (who know when that will be?). I might try to do at least one post a week. I know I'm a bit of an irregular poster anyhow, but I figure since I KNOW I'll be gone for awhile then I might just let people know what to expect.

Thank you to all my faithful readers....maybe if I can figure out how to upload voice memos I could update that way??